what is the deal?

I don't break down, I don't really cry much. I cried today... I think, after 4 months of waiting for my visa, I had had enough and the dam broke. I have tried to keep it in, smile and say everything will be just fine. And it will. No matter the outcome, I will be OK. But it just doesn't feel like it right now.

I miss my family more than you can imagine. I miss my dog. My car. My trips to get coffee. The sun... I'm not one to feel sorry for myself and I hate it when I do. I can't stay sad very long, it just isn't who I am. And thank God for that! I do catch myself thinking sometimes though, what if...I don't get the visa? What then? What am I supposed to do? but I can't really allow myself to go there. If I do, I'm in a real emotional mess.

I don't even know how to write about this in a way that makes sense. I just need to get it out. I feel a bit better when I do and I don't think a whole lot of people read this anyway, so it's probably not that big of a deal...

What is the deal?

I'm frustrated. I want to make something happen and I can't. My hands are tied, so to speak, and I don't like it. I like to be able to do something practical, to see some progress. I don't like the not knowing part. It's very uncomfortable. I just need some feedback! Dear Lord!